


Giving in

by spagetticannon



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Bellamy, Loneliness, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bellamy, Sad Clarke, Worried Bellamy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-07-24 16:53:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16179230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spagetticannon/pseuds/spagetticannon
Summary: After burning 300 grounders at the drop ship, Clarke is drowning in darkness. Faces of those that have died live in her mind and consume her thoughts, making it impossible to forget. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no way of becoming who she once was, no scenario where guilt burning its way through her heart is fizzles out so  when the grounder command demands Clarke's blood for what she has done, she see this as an opportunity so save her people, she see it as something that she must do to pay tribute to those who have already fallen. She is ready to die, but Bellamy is not ready to let her.OR the alternative season 2 where Clarke is broken and wants to give herself up to the grounders to save everyone because she thinks she is not important enough to fight for but Bellamy has other ideas about how important she is.





	1. Chaos

Clarke sat at a table inside the dining hall of Arkadia, surrounded by people whose lives continued as if nothing had changed. Her leg danced on the ball of her foot and the longer he was away, in danger, the faster and deeper did her heart beat. Feeling powerless was something that did not sit well with Clarke, and with each second he was gone that feeling only grew. Bellamy had left a few hours ago to have peace talks with the grounders after what had occurred at the drop ship. Dread flowed through her veins as she knew that this was her fault. They were teetering on the edge of war because she pulled the lever, because she wasn't smart enough to negotiate peace on her own, because she wasn’t the leader that her people needed her to be. She needed him to return, and soon. It was as if her heart was being held together by a single piece of string, after all she had done, after all the lives she had taken, and for him die for her mistake she was sure it would snap.

Tears had started to slowly make their was down her face as the feeling of dread built up inside of her chest. Her heart was beating in her ears as the voices of those surrounding her became muffled and her breaths became hard to catch. Her vision blurred. Her hands shook. She needed him to be okay, to come back, she couldn't do this without him and she wouldn’t live with herself if another died for her. The pressure in her chest started to build with every ill fated breath as images flashed in her mind of her fallen friends. Wells, Charlotte, Atom. The one that died alone, the one that died because she couldn’t protect her, the one the died at her own blade. People that she swore to protect, people she should have saved, people she could have saved if she was stronger. Clarke now realised that her breathing was getting out of control. Failure to seize her breath had now meant that people's attention was catching her brittle gasps, her faecal attempts to regain control.It felt as if all eyes were on her, burning her skin with judgement. She could hear their voices swirling around in her mind, attacking the last string of her heart.

“You couldn’t keep them alive”

“They are dead because of you”

“Your father would be disappointed”

“Nothing you do is good enough”

She couldn’t take it any longer. She needed to get out of that room. She needed space to breath. It felt as if the room was spinning around her, the ground waiting for the moment rip itself from under her feet. She started for the exit of the dinning hall, only to be halted by her foot catching on the leg of the table, forcing her to fall the ground in a thud. Pain coursed through her knee that took the fall force of her body's contact with the ground. She could now feel all eyes on her, as if she was weak prey that had fallen into the lion's den. Ignoring the pain in her leg, she pushed herself up and made her way to the door just as a hand landed on her shoulder. The fright alone made her heart beat that much faster, her blood burning her veins. She immediately turned her head to meet the eyes of the hands owner. They were a deep brown colour that brought slight comfort to her weakened state. Above them, his eyebrows were knotted with concern and his lips were slightly parted as if words were living just behind them. Finn.

“Clarke? Are you alright?” he whispered, knowing that Clarkes fall had summoned a crowd around them.

She wanted to speak but her breathes were short and stunted, leaving no room for her words to escape. So, with all her energy, she slowly shook her head from side to side for a few seconds, and then lowered it, trying to use Finn's hand on her shoulder to anchor herself back to reality. Her hands balled into fists so tight her nail dug into her palms. Finn said nothing else, but instead lifted her up and guided her to an empty corridor, as she still struggled to catch her breath, away from the prying eyes of the dining halls residents. As soon as they were far enough away, Clarke collapsed to the floor, bringing her knees to her chest. She had to breath, she had to focus on the now. She pushed her hands into her hair and clutched at the strands that hand fallen between her fingers so tight that her knuckles turned white. Not matter how hard she tried to push it out of her mind, the image of Bellamy being killed by the grounder kept replying in her mind, and then the image of Charlotte jumping of the Cliff, and the knife sliding into Atoms throat. All these images running wild inside her mind, out of her control. 

Finn could see her struggling and, even though he desperately wanted to, he had no idea how to help. He bent down so his head was level with hers. She had her eyes shut tight, and he could see them frantically moving side to side as if desperately searching for a way out of the darkness. 

“Clarke?” He spoke softly not wanting startle her even more but she didn’t respond, not moving from her position even slightly.

“Clarke?” he asked, this time grabbing hold of her shoulders, rubbing his arms up and down, wanting to comfort her. At this she slowly opened her eyes to meet his. Tear were falling from them, rolling down her face, and leave her at her chin. The desperation in her eyes, is what broke him the most. She was always so strong but now all he could see were the eyes of someone broken. 

“You are going to be okay. You just have to breath. Okay? I'm right here.”

Clarke nodded and started to focus on her breaths in and out. It was as if just his presence alone was enough to support Clarke in her time of need and so he sat down next to her and took he body in his arms, her head resting on the crook of his neck, and as they sat there he continued to whisper in her ear. Promising he was there for her and that she was going to be okay.

It seemed they had sat there for hours when shouts emerged from outside. The gates were being opened. Panic surrounded her heart as this was the moment she would either step outside and see Bellamy alive and well, or a grounder declaring war. Even with dread filling her every thought she jumped up immediately from Finns arms to make her way outside. She took a few steps, frozen and then turned. Finn was still sat in the same place, his eyes burning her skin. 

“Don’t tell anyone about what happened. Okay?” 

Finn knew who she meant by ‘anyone’. It was the one person who would have sat with her and allowed her to cry into his shoulder. Bellamy. Even with Finn reluctance he nodded his head and replied “Okay” And with that Clarke turned back to where she was going. 

As she arrived outside, she saw him immediately. His face was tired and reflect that of a man who had just been told news that had lit a fire in his soul and torn his world down around him. She pushed her way through the crowd that had surrounded him, ignoring the whispers as she did, and before he had truly laid eyes on her did she throw her arms around his neck. Clarke knew that in the world that they live in few things would bring her comfort, feel like home, but this she knew was one of them. After a few seconds they drew apart, but Bellamy's face was plastered with concern and worry.

“You shouldn’t be out hear” he said as he tried to usher back inside “its not safe”

“What?” she said as she ripped her arm from Bellamy grasp and made her way around him, he back to the fence “What do you mean? Bellamy what did the grounders say?”

You could tell he was contemplating dragging her inside for a few seconds before he thought better of it. He knew her to well to know that she wouldn’t go without a fight. He looked down at his shoes and pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds before meeting her eyes once more. 

“The only way we can have peace with the grounders is if we…” he trailed of, not believing that it had come to this.

“What Bellamy? Just tell me!” panic filtering through in her voice.

“Is if we hand you over for an execution” he said as if the request was unwarranted, but she knew that it wasn't.

And then Chaos erupted.


	2. Promise me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this Chapter was so late but I had trouble with it wanting it to be perfect. I'm still not convinced of it so any comments would be appreciated! Always looking for ways to improve! Also I am working on part 2 of The Stars that Separated them (My other Fic for anyone who doesn't know) Which hopefully will be out soonsih! Anyway, I hope you Enjoy this Chapter!

Clarke stared at herself in the mirror, unable to recognise the person looking back at her. This person looked broken and weak after only a few months on the ground but most of all she looked tired. Tired of fighting, leading, of living. Up until the moment in front of the gate, Clarke believed that she would do anything to fight, that surviving was worth the pain and torment that resided in her mind but after those words tumbled out of Bellamy's mouth she knew that she was ready to let go. She knew that her death was the only way to rid the demons that played on her every thought. Earth had turned her into someone she hated, even her own mother looked down on who she had become. Someone who weighed one life against another, someone who justified death as a necessary act and so she wanted it all to stop. She wanted to leave the place that had turned her into her worst nightmare and she thought what better way to do that than in place of her own. This is the right thing to do, Clarke thought, for her, and for her people.

Once Bellamy had announced what they would have to do to gain peace with the grounders, Chaos erupted. People were shouting, pushing into her, but all Clarke could do was stand there, frozen in place like Bellamy's word had turned her muscles to ice. If it wasn't for him, who had dragged her through the crowd, protecting her from punches and spits, she would had been crushed where she stood. Little did he know she stood there not out of shock from his words but out of acceptance. Acceptance of what she had done, and acceptance of its punishment. 

Bellamy had guided her towards her room, his hand always on the small of her back. He had left her in there, Clarke looking at herself in the mirror, almost 2 hours ago. She had not moved an inch even though she wanted to so badly. It was as if her head was forcing her to look at who she had become weak and broken, unfit to lead, but her heart was telling her the opposite, to look away, that she was not weak nor broken. An internal battle between fight or flight, heart or head, between life or death.

There was a small tap on the door and then a few moments later Bellamy poked his head around it, his body still on the other side. Clarke, even in the midst of all of Chaos surrounding her, found this odd. Bellamy had always just walked right in, as if boundaries were a foreign concept to him and that was something she always loved, bringing light to her darkness but this time things were different. Clarke knew it and so did Bellamy.

“Can I come in?” He asked quietly, confusion printed on his face as she looked at her standing in the same place he left her.

“Of course” She said, matching in tone, not turning to look at him. The atmosphere was eree in her room as Bellamy made his way over to the bed. As he sat down, it struck Clarke how much she would miss him. He was always there when she needed him and it saddened her to think she was to broken for even him to save this time.

“We have been discussion options and -” 

“Options?” Clarke interrupted, slight anger filtering through her voice.

“For keeping you safe inside Arkadia” he said matter-a-factly.

Clarke had not moved from looking at herself in the mirror all the time Bellamy had been in the room, like she was having a staring contest with herself, but at this she turn to face him abruptly. You could tell that even he was surprised at her sudden movement as he recoiled. She didn’t want to be safe, she wanted to be free.

“We will put guards at your door and someone will be -”

“No” She said, cold and sure.

Bellamy and Clarkes eyes had not met since he had stepped into the room, both fearing that the windows to their souls would spill the secrets they so desperately wanted to keep, but at this Bellamy looked up and met Clarkes stare. Dark circles lived underneath her bright blue eyes, her hair was knotted and dry, her face was wet from tears. All they did for a moment was look at each other. Bellamy pleading for her to fight, Clarke wishing he would let her go. Even though, deep down, Bellamy knew what ‘No’ meant to Clarke, he natively asked, hoping for a different answer.

“What do you mean no?” Bellamy ask. Emotion flicked through his voice, as if it was just slightly overflowing from in mind.

“I mean no. I’m not letting people die for me Bellamy.” Clarke spoke firmly, against that of the voices inside her, screaming at her to break down.

“No one has to die Clarke. Not you, No one.” Bellamy was so sure of this, Clarke could hear it in his voice, and that was the difference between them both; Bellamy hoped with his heart, Clarke analysed with her head. 

“You have to know that is not true. Since we landed so many people have died! Wells, Charlotte, Atom! My friends, You friends! To many and it's all my-!” She stopped herself. She desperately wanted to tell him about the demons inside her head. Those that plagued her thoughts and haunted her dreams because she knew that he would understand. He would sit with her, let her cry, help her forget and help her to heal but that, that was the problem. She didn’t deserve to forget, to heal, to move on. She deserved to live in pain and to die the same way and so she stopped herself mind confession, looked at him for a few more seconds, and then bowed her head, unable to stare into his soul any longer as the guilt grew in her own.

“Your what?” he demanded, anger filling his voice. She flinched slightly at his tone and with that the anger deflated. In times of crisis, Bellamy's heart leant towards anger, to maskerade what he was truly feeling; fear. So when she did not respond, or make any move too, fears home inside his heart grew. She was not going to do this to him, he would not let her. Even without speaking the words, Bellamy knew Clarke was planning to give herself up to the grounders, she was going to sacrifice herself for others because that was who she was, always putting other people first, and he was not going to let her. He couldn’t lose her. That thought alone, weighed too heavy on his heart and so he stepped forward and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Look at me” he said softly, however she remained and so he placed his hand delicately underneath her chin, not to force her eyes up, but to gently reminded her of who they were. They were friends, leaders. They trusted each other and made decisions together and so, with his hand placed on her chin, Clarke raised her eyes, so sure of who they are, or who they were, to meet his own just as a tear rolled down her cheek. 

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid” he whispered delicately.

“Bellamy it's not that simple” she whispered back.

“Yes. Yes it is. Promise me you won’t do anything. Not at least until we have talked about it”

His eyes, once again, pleaded with her to fight, not to leave him, and even though Clarke had made up her mind, a small part of her wanted too. Not for herself but for the man standing in front of her, with the brown eyes and freckled skin. 

“Okay” she replied quietly, still staring into his eyes, even though she knew, in the end, what she had to do no matter how hard it was. “I promise”


	3. Pain all the same

Days had gone by since Clarke had made the promise to stay at Arkadia, and with each fleeting second, the guilt built in her heart. Every person she pasted in the corridor, every Child she saw playing outside, every family she saw sitting together only reminded her that they are in danger because of her, their lives are placed on the line because of her. So many lives risked for her and for what? She wasn’t important, she wasn’t needed. 

As Clarke made her way outside. She wanted to keep her promise to Bellamy and so she tried. She tried to give life a second chance. Nothing meant more to her at that moment than keeping that promise. She looked around at everyone at work when something caught her eye. It made her heart stop and her stomach turn. Leaning against the rover was Bellamy, a big smile plastered on his face, as he was talking to a woman. She was beautiful. Long brown hair, and eyes that, even from where she was standing, Clarke could tell were stunning. They were laughing about something when this girl placed her hand upon Bellamy's arm, squeezing it a little. It felt as if Clarke couldn’t breath and she had no idea why. She quickly turned, to the surprise of the guard following her, and started to make her way towards the Cafeteria. Why was she feeling like this? Why did it feel as if her heart had been dragged out through her throat? Was she jealous?   
She quickly shook her head, ridding the ridiculous thought from her mind, and wiped away a tear that had formed in her eye. As she walked through the corridors of Arkadia, the stares of the people washed right over her, as the only thing on her mind was why she was so bothered about Bellamy and that girl, and even though she knew the answer, she buried it. She was leaving, and nothing was going to change that. Not even how she felt about Bellamy Blake.   
Clarke walked into the Cafeteria to get her breakfast. Each day the portions became that bit smaller, and with that so did Clarke. Her skin was pale and dry, her hair brittle, her breathes shallow. Just as she lent down to pick up her tray, did something smack her in the back of the head, causing her to fall forward, hitting her forehead on a metal bar as she did. Her world became blurred for a moment, as black edges creeped into her vision. It took her a second to recuperate and only then did she see the crowd starting to form around her, and at the centre an angry man who was taller than most, with a few scars scattering his face. Clarke frantically looked around for the man who was ordered to keep her safe, but he had vanished as if from thin air. She then took a second, to analyse the gravity of the situation she had found herself in and pushed herself up on her feet.

The crowd, at this point, had evolved into what Clarke could only describe as a mob. People were shouting, screaming. Clarke's heart beat out of her chest. She looked towards the man standing at the front, and just as she was about to open her mouth, did he open his.

“You disgust me.” He paused for a second looking her up and down. “Why does your life mean more than mine” he turned to the crowd “than theirs”.

Little did the man know Clarke had been thinking about that very idea every second of everyday since Bellamy had returned. She looked at the people surrounding her and each time her eyes met with someone new, her heart ache doubled. She was lost in her own world, the impending realisation that no one wanted her here, that she didn’t truly want to be here became too strong. She had been silent for to long, as the crowd had become restless, and had started to close in on the already small space separating them. 

“We are taking you to the grounders. If you fight us that up to you.” The man said, voice strangely calm at this moment. 

Clarke had a choice. A second to live or die. To fight, be the person that Bellamy wants her to be, or to give in and do what she knows is the right thing to do. She had always known what she was going to do in the end, but with the image of Bellamy in her mind, made her falter for a just second before she pushed that thought out. She needed to use her head one last time and not follow her heart and so she straitened her back and looked right in the man’s eyes. Neither said anything, but the agreement had been made; she would come without a fight.  
However, for an only a moment, Clarke's eyes were drawn to something just behind the man’s head; a figure. He was tall, with curly brown head and an expression that mirrored that of a heart breaking. Bellamy. She hadn’t known how longer he had been standing there for but now she knew he was there, it was if their eyes were glued to each other’s. Clarke's betrayal was tearing down Bellamy’s tough exterior. She wanted to be enough for him, to not be as broken as she has become, to be the person that his gentle heart deserves but the hard truth she had come to realise is she never will. He had met someone new, better, so it was time for her to leave. This was something she had to do, and she prayed, with all her heart, that he understood.  
“I’m sorry” she whispered knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to hear it, but she needed to know she said it.  
A single tear ran down his cheek as a punch landed on Clarke's, different types of pain, but pain all the same, drowning both their worlds in darkness.


	4. He loved her because it wasn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Bellamy point of View from the past to chapters! I hope you liked it and from now on I will be writing from both Bellamy and Clarke's points of view because I loved doing this!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!!

_Bellamy's POV_

 

Bellamy made his way to Clarkes room. He had just come from a council meeting where he had been fighting for Clarkes safety for about 2 hours. He was exhausted. It was like he was fighting to keep apart of himself afloat, fighting to save something that he didn’t truly know he needed until it was threaten to be taken away. He reached Clarkes door and he was ready to walk straight in, but for a second, he faltered.

He had always just walked right in, without question. It was something so natural to him as breathing. Inside her room he could be himself, be Bellamy but he was not there for that. He was not standing in front of her door because he wanted to feel safe near her but because it was his Job to tell her the plan to keep her alive. He needed to distance himself, to follow his head like Clarke would and try not to think about the fact that her life is on the line. This was no time for feelings and emotions to cloud his judgement. For her to be safe he had to be professional and so he pushed down the anxiety building in his chest and lightly knocked on her door before opening it and peaking his head around.

She was standing in the same place. She had been standing there, looking in the mirror for 2 hours. He could tell that something had been wrong the second he told her the news. She had just frozen. He couldn’t imagine what was floating around in her head. He wanted to walk up to her and take her in his arms, but he couldn’t. He shook that thought from his head.

“Can I come in?” he asked. It felt strange to him, asking permission.

“Of course,” she replied, not taking her eyes off the mirror. Bellamy walked over to her bed and sat down on the edge. He had no idea how to start. He felt awkward. Him and Clarke had always protected each other, always protected everyone together but now it was different. It was as if they were on opposite sides of something, but he could quiet figure out what it was.

He took a deep breath.

“We have been discussing options and-” he was interrupted before he could finish.

“Options?” she asked, slightly on edge.

“For keeping you safe inside Arkadia”

She turned at this, suddenly, taking Bellamy aback for a second. For some reason he felt ashamed to look at her, like he had gone against some promise they had made to each other, some unspoken pack. Silence filled the air, so he continued, Clarkes stare burning his skin.

“We will put guards at your door and -” he was interrupted again.

“No” was all she said.

With no regard to how he felt a second ago, Bellamy looked up at Clarke. She looked tired, lost even, and that broke Bellamy. His heart ached for the woman standing in front of him, but he couldn’t lean into it. He was there to protect her and so pushed on.

“What do you mean no?” he asked.

Of course, he knew. It was Clarke after all. She was selfless to a fault and he knew that she was planning to give herself up, but he asked anyway, hoping, with all his heart, for a different answer.

“I mean no. I’m not letting people die for me Bellamy.”

“No one has to die Clarke. Not you, no one”

He believed this with all his heart. From the second they had set foot on the ground, people he knew, his friends, had died. With each day some else left him but he never gave up hope because he had Clarke. If she was breathing, he knew he never would, but he knew that she had. She believed that she had to die, but he knew something that she didn’t; he would move mountains to keep that from happening.

“You have to know that is not true!” Clarke erupted, like this had always been bubbling below the surface. “Since we landed so many people have died! Wells, Charlotte, Atom! My friends, Your friends! To many and it's all my-!” she stopped herself.

Did she think that those deaths were on her? Bellamy had never seen her like this. It was if he was looking at someone new, someone he had just met and that pulled on his heart. He had thought that he knew everything about the woman standing in front of him but looking at her now, holding back, keeping things from him, things he could help with, made him angry. He wanted to help her so badly, but she wouldn’t let him. Something was holding her back, separating them both. He stepped foot in this room wanting to keep his emotions under wraps but the second she said no, he knew it was only a matter of time before they would rise to the surface.

“Your what!” he shouted, and he regretted it immediately when she flinched. The anger vanished as fast as it came. He was so scared to lose her that he had let anger take the wheel, like always. He hated that he always did that. He took a deep breath and step towards her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Look at me” he said softly.

She didn’t move so he placed his fingers on her chin. Hoping it would remind her of who they are. She slowly looked up at him. He could lose himself in those eyes.

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid” he pleaded, emotion taking over.

“Bellamys it’s not that simple” she said softly, her eyes locked with his.

He leant in closer, their faces within inches from each other, his hand still on her chin and the other on her neck cupped her face. He wasn’t even sure if she had noticed, as even he barely noticed it himself. He was lost in his own world. For a moment there was no threat to her life, just the two of them, beautifully entangled in each other’s eyes, sharing each other’s air.

“Yes.” He said simply. “Yes, it is.” He pleaded with her one last time. “Promise me you won’t do anything. At least until we have talked about it.”

She only looked at him for a second, scanning his features with her eyes before looking back at his. For a moment he thought he hadn’t gotten through to her, that she had already made up her mind and that they weren’t who he thought they were when she replied.

“I promise”

As soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth it was as if they had both been woken up from a dream. They were standing so close, and it was so intimate. As if on que, they both stepped back, feeling the awkwardness of the situation.

“Erm I should go” Bellamy stuttered, slightly embarrassed.

“Yeah” Clarke said, as redness formed on her cheeks.

They both looked at each other for a moment, as if both begging each other to stay, but neither did. Bellamy quickly turn on his feet and practically ran out of the door. As soon as the door shut did something dawn on him. It was if it had always been there only now, he could see it. He loved Clarke Griffin. That realisation was quickly followed by another; he couldn’t. If he truly loved her, he would stay away, to keep her safe, to stay subjective and professional, to think with his head rather than follow his heart. He walked away from the place that he always felt safe, now understanding why, a pit in his stomach, with the thought that he may never return.

 

* * *

It had been a few days since Bellamy had realised how he felt about Clarke, since they had their talk, and for the past few days he had been doing his best to forget about it. Although it wasn’t working out to well for him. Every time he saw her his heart ached. She had been getting worse. Her skin was dry and dull, her hair brittle and he longed to hold her, to make it better, but he just needed to keep her alive for now. The rest could wait.

He had been looking over supplies in the rover when Gina came up to him. She was beautiful. They had their fun a couple weeks ago but that was before everything changed.

“Hey Bellamy” She said, her perfect smile plastered on her face.

“Hey” he replied. “How’s it going?”

“Oh good! Just been trying to get all this stuff into the rover but SOMEBODY” she turned towards Jasper who, by all accounts, was doing nothing “has been sitting on his ass all day long”

Bellamy’s smile grew and he turn to look at Jasper who was sitting on a box reading some book that he guessed was supposed to be in the rover that point in time.

“Hey! I’ve been doing… And I moved… I helped…” Jasper couldn’t come up with anything and as Bellamy looked at the women’s disproving look on her face, he started to laugh.

It felt good to laugh, he thought. It seemed ages since he had, and it was all down to this girl in front of him. Her hair was brown, wavy and flowed down her back. Her eyes were a stunning hazel colour that seem to entice you to investigate them. In all aspect of the word this girl was perfect. Funny, beautiful, confident. He felt relaxed. This was how it should be he thought. Easy. Free but for some reason Bellamy didn’t want her, didn’t want all that, and it wasn’t until she placed her hand on his arm did, he realise why. She wasn’t Clarke.

Clarke was the opposite. She was stubborn and argumentative, she always had the opposite opinion to his. She pushed his buttons like no one her had ever met. It was not easy or free with her. It was hard and complicated and exhausting but when he looked at her smile, when he saw the strength in her opinions, the passion in her arguments he knew she was worth it; he didn’t love her because it was easy, he loved because it wasn’t.

“Don’t laugh! Its not funny” she said but at that point Bellamy had stopped. His feelings had interrupted, and he was back to reality.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, concerned knitting her eyebrows.

He was about to tell her that he was fine but suddenly, they weren’t the words coming out of his mouth.

“No not really” he said, slightly shocked at his expression of emotion.

“Why?” she asked, but, by the look on her face, she already knew.

Just as he was about to open his mouth, to finally get what he was feeling out into the world, to speak, someone beat him to it.

“Bellamy, there is a problem in the Cafeteria” Miller said.

Bellamy signed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t what he needed right now.

“Can you just deal with it?” he asked.

“I would, but… but”

“But what?” Bellamy said, snapping slightly.

“It’s Clarke”

Suddenly it felt like his world was melting around him. It was as if he was watching himself from the outside. Watching himself follow Miller through the corridors, watching himself walking into the Cafeteria.

His heart stopped when he saw her. She was standing in a crowd of angry member of Skaikru. Blood was dripping down from her face. Tears were on her Cheeks. She looked scared.

“We are taking you to the grounders. If you fight that’s up to you.” Bellamy faintly heard a man say.

Clarke looked as if she was thinking about it for a second. No. She wouldn’t. She promised. She promised him she would fight but standing there it looked as if she had given up. It looked like she about to break her promise. Bellamy could faintly hear Miller talking to him, but his world was focused solely on Clarke. It felt as if she had just ripped out his heart through his chest, he hated her for making him feel this way. Why he ever let himself love with someone so cruel was a mystery to him until her eyes met his. All that hate melted away.

She looked so scared, like she didn’t really want to die but was faced with an impossible choice. He wanted to shout at her that there is always a choice, but he couldn’t. The fear of losing her Paralysed every inch of his body making it impossible to save her. He thought back to every, argument, conversation, faint touch, hug, small glance that they had ever shared, every good thing that had ever happened to him, every moment of joy and happiness that he had every felt and wished he could trade them for her life. Tears were streaming down his face, heart break written all over it, when she muttered something to herself, or to him, he wasn’t sure and that was when a punch was landed to her face.

He flinched for a second, when she disappeared under the crowd of people before his reality kicked in. He heard Miller and the shouts and screams of the crowd. Suddenly, before he knew what was happening, he was pushing his was through them, pulling people off her, fight for her unconscious body. Soon guards filled the room and it wasn’t as hard to reach her.

He looked down at her, even after what she had just done, and never felt more love towards another human. The fact that she was alive was enough for now. He could be angry later. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her off the medical bay, with a strange feeling in his heart. He never told her how important she is to him, how her eyes looked like small specs of the ocean, how she was the first person he cared about since Octavia, how the past few days keeping his distance had been nearly impossible, how he loved her because of her stubbornness and opinions and the arguments they shared and it dawned on him he almost didn’t get the chance.


	5. Together

_Clarke POV_

_Clarke ran out the door as fast as she could. Her chest hurt, her breath was rapid, her vision blurry. Things had never gone like that, her and her Dad had always been so close but recently things had started building up, he was keeping  things from her. Someone thing big she could feel it. Before she knew what was going on she was screaming at him, yelling so much her throat turned raw._

_She was now running through the Ark halls unaware of where she was going until she arrived._

_Well's came to the door not long after she had knocked.  He knew her better than she knew herself, and just by looking at her he knew that something was wrong. Her face told the story that wouldn't leave her lips. Without a word, he took her in his arms, holding her close. She broke down against his chest. He was always her safe place, her home and she knew he always would be. They were two half's of a whole. The thought of life without him unimaginable._

_A few moments past before Wells guided her into his room, made her a hot drink and sat all night listening to her talk before she fell asleep, never_ _interrupting, just simply being and as he looked down at the sleeping woman in front of him he realised that he would put her happiness above anything, without question._

* * *

Clarke's eyes jolted open abruptly, that dream, that memory, still floating around in her mind. She had never really processed Wells death. Everything happened so fast. The grounders were constantly a threat to her and her friends so she pushed it down but now, laying in the med bay starting at the ceiling and recalling how safe she felt in his arms, did it all suddenly rush to the surface. The sudden swell of emotion caught her off guard. She couldn't stop thinking about how he let her hate him so she wouldn't have to hate her mum, how, for his last few weeks, she pushed him away; about all the time she lost with him. 

Clarke's breathing started to get harder to catch, as sobs escaped her lips. She rose up suddenly from the bed, hit with a wave of dizziness that made her stumble, forcing her grab a hold of a table to keep her upright. She need to escape this room, escape the pain in her chest. She grabbed at her shirt as if trying rip out the ache of heart. The walls were closing in. It was like in the Canteen. She knew what was going on. She knew she needed to ground herself, to breath, but the more she tried the harder it became, like the very idea of being unable to calm herself made the panic rise faster. 

She made her way out of the door, thinking she would be able to find someone, like Finn or Raven, to help her centre herself once more, but it was like a ghost town. No one was in sight. No passing stranger or standing guard. She sluggishly moved through the halls hoping to grasp a smell, a sound, to bring her back, to steady her breathing. It felt like hours had past since she had left that room, still haunted by the memories that lived inside. She did not know where she was heading until she arrived.

She looked at his door for a moment, hoping that her breathing would level, before opening tit up and stepping inside.

As soon as the door clicked shut, she was aware of how small the room was but it was not like the other. It did not feel suffocating or claustrophobia, but brought a wave of comfort with it that she had only ever felt one other time in her life; with Wells. With each breath she took, the panic subsided inside her mind. She made her way towards his bed, sat down, and took his blanket in her arms. She brought it to her nose. It smell like him. The pain in her heart turn to a dull ache. barely noticeable. She looked over to his bookshelf and saw all that he had collected. A smile was brought to her lips, with image of his wonder at each turn of the page. 

Clarke made herself more comfy on his bed and draped the blanket around her, still taking in its smell, like it was protecting her from the world; like he was protecting her. She picked up the book laying on the table next to his bed and started flicking through the warn pages imaging him doing the same. He had made scribbles of notes down margins, he turn corners of pages over, keeping the spot for his return. She closed the book, as another tear fell from her cheek, catching on the paper inside. She brought it to her chest, as if for a hug, placed her chin on it spin, as a smile drew on her lips; the panic had vanished. 

All of a sudden the door swung open, causing Clarke to drop the blanket from around her shoulder, and there standing in the door to his room clearly out of breath, was Bellamy.

"Clarke there you are! What the hell are you doing!" he shouted panting "You just vanished! I thought you had-" he stopped himself.

There it was. The panic again. The shame. She had made him a promise which she broke. He thought she was going to leave without saying goodbye and he was right, because this is a conversation she never wanted to have. Not with Bellamy. Maybe that was why she had promised him she would stay in the first place, so she could slip away without hurting him.  He composed himself.

"I thought you had left." he said coldly.

They started at each other for a moment, as if for the first time, trying to figure out who they are to each other. The silence lingered in the air, as the door clicked to, which woke Bellamy up.

"You promised you weren't going to do anything stupid" he said, sorrow filling his voice. Although he wasn't scowling, she knew he was angry. His eyes were so expressive that she could always tell how he was feeling, whether she wanted to or not.

"It not that simple Bellamy, I told you that" Clarke spoke quietly, as if ashamed.

"Yes it is Clarke! God you can be so stubborn sometimes!" he shouted, his anger now on full show "We are working on a plan! There Has to be another way! You just had to hold out for a few more days and-"

"How long! How long must I wait for more people I loved to die!" her voice was so raw. All that emotion swelled back up and was catching in her throat. "This place, Bellamy, has taken everything away from me! My best friend is dead! My father is dead! My friends are missing!" she Shouted. Her breathing was heavy again, but she wouldn't let the panic take over. She wouldn't let him see her as broken as she has become.

"Clarke..." he said quietly. He had a away of saying her name that made the whole world melt away, even for a second. "Its going to be Okay"

"Nothing about this is okay Bellamy" she said exhausted sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Every choice I make someone always dies. I couldn't save Wells. I couldn't save my Dad. But I can save them out there" She said gesturing weakly out the window. "I'm not important. People are better off without me"

"You are important."He said crouching down in front of her "You're important to me Clarke, I need you"

"You don't need me Bellamy." she whispered not looking him the eye but playing with the fabric of his t-shirt between her fingers.

For a moment he said nothing, but just started at the top of her head. She had begun to think that it was over, that he was just taking a second before he would get up and leave.

"Yes I do" he said like he had never believe something more in his life.

Before she knew what was happening, Bellamy lifted up her chin, and placed his lips to hers. Clarke was shocked for a moment, before her eyes fluttered closes and lent into it. He tasted like bliss. One hand was in her hair, the other cupped around her neck, bring her close to him. She placed a hang on his chest, and she could feel the fast beating of his heart. She could feel his strength. He was strong and steady, all the things that Clarke wanted to be. His lips were soft against hers. The kiss was passionate and relentlessness, everything she thought it would be. They both slipped deeper into one another until Bellamy pulled back, only a little, to catch his breath. 

The second they were apart felt like an eternity and so Clarke pulled him back towards her. The fit together perfectly, the moved together beautifully. She slowly moved back further onto the bed, bring him with her, and he followed with out hesitation. Bellamy was now laying over Clarke, as a hand moved under her shirt, brushing her side. Her hand did the same, moving from his neck to the small of his back. He kissed her harder. Clarke pulled him closer but there was no closer. This felt so right, like for so long Clarke was missing a piece of herself. She had never long for, loved, needed someone so much in her life. 

Bellamy pulled away, panting, and looked her in the eyes.

"Don't leave" he whispered. "Stay for me. We will figure something out Clarke, Together."

Clarke loved him so much. She wanted nothing more that to stay with him, be with him, find some other solution to this. Right now she was on top of the world, floating above the clouds but she knew the second someone turn up dead because she did so as the commander wanted she would be back to square one, and if Bellamy died she would truly lose her mind. She wanted to stay like this for a while longer, with him so close. It was selfish but She felt safe, she felt at home, She wanted her last hours on earth to be spent with the person who knows her.  She knew it would hurt him but he would survive, Bellamy was strong. 

So with a pain in her heart she lied once more to the man she loves.

"Together"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Set it free

_Bellamy POV_

 

Bellamy woke up at the sound of noise from outside. People talking, hard at work. A smile appeared on his lips at the thought of last night, being with Clarke. Being with each other, together, moving as one. He had never felt more at peace, happier, than he did in this very moment. With each breath he took the smile only grew. He was facing the wall so he couldn't quite tell what time it was but it couldn't have been after 9. He turned on his side opening his eyes slowly, reaching out for the woman next to him.

"Good morn-" 

But she wasn't there.

He sat up suddenly, a thousand thoughts rushing through his mind, demanding to be heard. He looked around the room, trying to find answer to his minds questions, when his eyes landed on a letter on his bookshelf.

"No..." he whispered.

He got out of his bed and rushed towards the letter. The envelope leaning against one of the books on his shelf that he hadn't gotten around to reading yet, and it was only when he got closed did he see what was sitting next to it. Clarke's fathers' watch. 

"No..." he repeated.

He slowly bent down to pick up the letter. His name was written on the front in her handwriting. He ran his fingers across it, as if trying to reach her through the ink. 

He took a deep breath, turned it over, pealed it open and pulled out the letter from inside.

He only looked at it for a second, not believing that she would have left him, that this was some horrible nightmare, that she didn't break her promise again.

After what felt like an eternity, he built up the courage to unfold the letter, and read what was written inside.

_Dear Bellamy,_

_I am so sorry._

_I know that I broke my promise. I know that I did what you asked me not to do but I needed to do it. I tried. I really did. There were good days and there were bad days, but Bellamy, the good days were always with you. I want you to know that I love you. I always did. It may have taken me a while to realise it but the moment I did everything became clear. You make the ground solid again, you make me feel safe and loved. You are my home and I am so grateful that I met you. You were my reason to live Bellamy. I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye but last night was so perfect that is how I want you to remember us. Not with some argument and saying things we didn't mean but us, together._

_I am hunted by the things that I have done. Things that have been forgiven because I did them for my people, but they shouldn't be. That is something we tell ourselves to justice blood, but it only reminds me that war is never going to end. Suffering, my suffering, is never going to end, because we all think alike. Us the grounders we are all the same. We all do things for our people. When we first landed people told me that I saved their life, that I was a hero, but there are no heroes, not really. I just did what everyone told me was alright to do. I was just like everyone else, but I don't want to be just anyone.  I want to be someone worthy of your love. I want to be who I was, not who earth made me._

_I am doing this so you can live in a world of peace and love. You don't need me Bellamy. You are so strong and brave. You always have been. You inspire people. You lead people. Promise me you will find someone who you love, and have kids with them and grow old with them. Live the life you deserve. Promise me you will do better._

_Please have my watch. I won't be needing it anymore. My farther gave me that watch before he died as a sign of love. So I do the same to you._

_I love you so much Bellamy Blake, always have and always will._

_Forever Yours_

_Clarke._

 

Bellamy tears were flooding down his checks and were landing on the page. He turned over the piece of paper to see if she had written anymore but was blank. He placed the letter back of the shelf, his hand shaking as he did, and picks up the broken watch that sat beside it. He remember a time before he knew Clarke, when he wonder why she wore a watch that didn't work, but when he found out he knew that he could trust her. Her love for those close to her made her loyal.

A sudden wave of anger hit him, thinking back to her letter. He had always thought of her as someone who would never leave him, who would stay by his side. Someone he could trust with his life but now she had vanished into the night. There had been times when he thought that she had died back at the dropship, but in the back of his mind he always had hope that she would return, but now he knew that she was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it.

"No.... no... no..." he whispered to himself, stepping back, looking around his room trying to think of something he could do.

"no... no no no" he said slowly getting louder and more aggressive until his anger could no longer be contained.

"NO!" he shouted as he ripped the books the shelves, throwing them across the room. He screamed once more and pulled to bookshelf down and with a loud thud, it landed on the floor. He couldn't stop himself. He was throwing everything he could at the wall, kicking the shelf on the floor, leaving a hole in its back. 

He had so much anger that he didn't know what to do with it. He tried to calm himself but he couldn't get the reality of life without her out of his mind. His emotions became blurred. He was so anger yet so devastated at the same time. He wanted to punch the wall over and over again yet he wanted to curl up in the dark and just cry. He wanted to scream at her for leaving him yet he wanted to hold her in his arms one last time. All the thoughts were about to over flow in his mind when the door clicked open.

His heart stopped because for a second he thought that maybe she had come back, that she had changed her mind, but it was only for a second. Kane step through the doorway concern showing on his face.

"Bellamy what is going on?" he asked, taking in the destruction Bellamy had done to his room.

"Clarke..." he said, his breathing loud. "Shes gone"

"oh" was all Kane said.

That pause, that silence, triggered something in Bellamy. Like finally saying it out loud aloud him to kick start his brain. He wouldn't let her do this. He would let leave him without a fight. She said he was her reason to live but she didn't know that she was his. That he too was haunted by things that he had done. That he didn't want to someone else to have kids and grow old with, he wanted to do that with her. He can't lose her. He won't lose her.

He moved to grab a bag and started to pack things, t-shirts, into it. The walk to Polis was long and the nights got cold. 

"Bellamy what are you doing?" Kane asked.

"I am going after her" he said as he continued to hurry around his room, clambering over the books on the floor.

"Bellamy think about this" Kane said.

"I CAN'T LOSE CLARKE!" he snapped back.

Kane was taken aback by his display of emotion. "I can't lose her" repeated softly.

"I know but she saved everyone's lives. She was so strong but now people need you to lead them, they look towards you, you inspire them"

Those last words stung Bellamy's heart, thinking back to her letter.

"She made her chose Bellamy, this is what she wanted, and if you go after her, stop her from doing this, you will lose her anyway"

Was Kane right? Was Bellamy just fighting for the sake of fighting? She was so strong and so beautiful, does she not deserve the right to make her own choice, a choice he know would have been agonisingly painful for her? He looked down at the watch that was still in his hand; a small piece of her he would always carry with him. He tied  it around his wrist and took a deep breath to clear his mind; his heart overflowing with pain and grief.

He loved her so much, but you know what they say, if you love something set it free.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank for reading!! if you have any comments please leave them because they really do make my day! x


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